This piece (first published online here) addresses the choices faced by young people when
contemplating marriage. Readers of this blog may wish to share it with
children, grandchildren or even great-grandchldren who are currently in the process
of choosing a partner for life.
Rabbi Melamed writes the following:
A Look at Tu B'Av
The enthusiasm which accompanies falling in love is actually
meant to help a person take the monumental step of getting married. Such
emotion, however, does not guarantee a happy marriage. Good traits and shared
goals are much more important.
The Ancient Tu B'Av Custom
Israel never knew such wonderful holidays as Tu B'Av and Yom
Kippur. On these days the daughters of Israel would go out and dance in the
vineyards and offer themselves joyfully for the purpose of establishing Jewish
families. And despite the fact that all individuals are different—some are rich
and some are poor; some are more beautiful and some less; some are of noble
birth and some are not—all the same, on these days, special effort was made to
try and bridge the gap, at least as far as wealth was concerned. The young
women would therefore go out wearing white borrowed outfits in order not to
embarrass one who did not herself possess such a gown.
Most likely, the young men were already acquainted to some
extent with the families of the girls in the area and had consulted their
parents regarding an appropriate match. The final decision, however, would take
place on these days. Perhaps these days were meant for those boys or girls who
were not successful in finding a mate in the conventional way.
The Attractive and the Noble
The Talmud (Ta’anit 31a) informs us as to the manner in
which these daughters of Israel would try to make themselves desirable:
"The attractive ones would exclaim: Search out beauty, for this is the
purpose of a wife; the ones of noble birth would say: Search out family, for
family is the purpose of wife; the unattractive ones would say: choose your
mate for the sake of Heaven, so long as you adorn her with gold."
That the attractive girls would draw attention to their
beauty is understandable. Many boys choose their wives based upon beauty.
Beauty presents itself as a kind of guarantee to a good and happy life, a life
filled with vitality. Reality, though, does not confirm this. There is no
indication whatsoever that men who married so-called attractive women ended up
more content than those who married "less attractive" women. When
beauty comes in addition to good character it can indeed add to life—but,
often, it can be misleading.
Those of noble birth say just that: The main thing is
character. A good family is one in which many of its members have been
successful in obtaining a proper education and good livelihood. One can safely
assume that a woman who comes from such a family will possess a pleasant and
kind character, and agreeable educational habits. In addition, it is highly
probable that the children resulting from such a matrimony will also possess
such traits. We indeed find that the sages (Baba Batra 110a) advise examining the
brothers of the prospective bride, for it often happens that the children turn
out like the brothers of the bride. The sages also advise marrying the daughter
of a Torah scholar (Pesachim 49a). This is the reason that the Mishna in Ta’anit
26b only quotes the girls from good families; in the eyes of the sages, their
words were the most true.
The Unattractive
Ones
The most surprising of the three groups is the unattractive
one: "Choose your mate for the sake of Heaven, so long as you adorn her
with gold." A simple interpretation of these words tells us that these
young women are appealing to the unattractive, untalented boys who would run
after the attractive and distinguished girls only to be turned away. To these
boys they would say: "If you keep running after the attractive and
distinguished girls, you will remain single and frustrated forever. Be
realistic and marry one of us who are ready to marry you. After all, the Torah
commands you to marry—come, marry for the sake of fulfilling God's will."
And because marriage must possess an element of affection they added: "So
long as you adorn us with gold," for such behavior gives expression to
your love for us.
But this is not all. There is a more profound way of
understanding the words of the unattractive girls. Sometimes a person who has
merited neither beauty nor desirable lineage, succeeds, by virtue of
exceptional faith in God, to perfect his or her character traits and attain
great personal achievement. The level such a person reaches is even higher than
that of the attractive and distinguished. A shared life with such a person is
sure to be full of beauty and happiness. This is what they meant: "Choose
your mate for the sake of Heaven and by so doing we will ascend together and
surpass the level of all the attractive and distinguished couples—and our
children will be distinguished by virtue of us." And they added, "So
long as you adorn us with gold." This last statement can be understood
best in light of the words of R' Yishmael (Nedarim 9:10): "The daughters
of Israel are all beautiful, only that poverty makes them unbecoming." If
you decorate us with gold you will uncover our true unique beauty. And so,
though in practice the most desired girls are the generally the attractive
ones, and they are followed by the distinguished ones, in truth the
distinguished are preferable to attractive and, sometimes, the unattractive are
the most desirable of all.
Sound Advice for
Singles
Here, then, is a bit of advice for single men: Often, girls
who are actually quite pretty appear to be unattractive. This, though, is
simply the result of the man's level of maturity. God created humans such that
they enter the world as babies and grow and develop until old age. Each stage
in life has its own purpose. At the age of twenty, the desire to marry is very
strong: "Twenty is the age for chasing" (Avot 5:18). At that stage in
life the heart is full of enthusiasm and courage. The boy sees all that is good
in his prospective match and is ready to leap happily into married life. This
period is followed by a more restrained stage, the purpose of which is to build
and prepare the next layer of life. When an older single man anticipates to be
swept up by youthful enthusiasm when dating, he is usually disappointed. Yet,
instead of attributing this to his age, he finds fault in the girl. He might
admit that she is pleasant and bright, but—he disappointedly explains to his
close friends—she is not attractive and exciting enough. Such bachelors must be
informed: If the girl is pleasant and smart in your eyes, and you enjoy being
together with her, and the only problem is that the excitement element is
lacking, "Choose your mate for the sake of Heaven." And do not worry,
for, if you invest energy in your relationship and "decorate her with
gold," you can be sure that you will be blessed with true love. The
enthusiasm which accompanies falling in love is actually meant to help a person
take the monumental step of entering into the covenant of marriage. Such
emotion, however, does not guarantee a happy marriage. Good traits and shared
goals are much more important. True, ripe, deep love which reaches the inner
layers of the soul is dependent upon these ingredients.
The Unique Power
of Tu B'Av
The author of the work Bnei Yissachar explains that Tu B'Av is a day of deep-rooted significance because it falls forty days before the date of the world's creation. The sixth day of creation was Rosh HaShanah. On that day God formed man. Six days prior to this is the Twenty-fifth of Elul, and forty days prior to this is Tu B'Av (the Fifteenth of Av). The sages tell us, "Forty days before the formation of the infant an announcement is made in heaven: "The daughter of so-and-so is matched up with so-and-so." Tu B'Av, too, because it falls forty days before the formation of the world, is a day of fatal importance with a unique capacity to initiate life—especially for a bride and groom who wish to establish a family.
